Zombies Are Coming (For Sure)


Well, since it’s 2012 (the year of the apocalypse), zombies decided to join in on the fun. Except, every movie had it wrong. You don’t get turned into a zombie because of rage-infused chimpanzee blood, alien bullies, mind control, evil tapes, radiation from satellites or listening to Rob Zombie (as is commonly believed).

You turn into a zombie if you eat (inhale? snort? shoot up?) bath salts. Yes, the zombie apocalypse was started by bath salts. Bath salts can smell pretty good, but definitely not good enough to eat (unless you want to turn into a zombie).

We all heard about the zombie who ate a homeless man’s face in Miami who was suspected to have been high on bath salts. But, there have been many more bath salt zombies. One such zombie vandalized a backyard, climbed on the roof, jumped off onto a truck and peed all over the floor before he bit a chunk out of a man’s stomach (I’m not one to speculate, but the zombie probably just wanted what the man had for dinner).  Another had a temper tantrum in his own home and ate a dog (after barking at his neighbor, of course). There are reports of a zombie cutting off his own skin and throwing his intestines at officers (a very effective form of combat).

The most hilarious zombie incident happened in the beginning of July.

Bath salts. It’s what’s for dinner.
(Photo: Scottsdale Police Department)

John Brigham thought bath salts tasted good. John Brigham is now a zombie with a $100,000 bail (Little does the judge know, money ain’t no thing to a zombie. He should have set it to 100,000 pounds of human flesh, or something that he actually cares about). Brigham was part of a minor accident (no surprise, everyone knows zombies can’t drive) and instead of giving the other person involved his information, he took off his clothes, climbed on top of a car and started chanting.

Zombies always chant naked on top of CR-V’s.
(Photo: phoenixnewtimes.com)

Zombie Brigham wasn’t satisfied, so he stole a Prius (hey, at least he’s an environmentally friendly zombie) and took off down the street, eventually ending up in another crash (zombies don’t have licenses for a reason). This crash, involving five cars, was a little more extreme. The  Prius rolled several times and resulted in Brigham’s ejection. Brigham wasn’t phased. He immediately ran around trying to hijack two more cars (apparently, he thought he was playing Grand Theft Auto) while shouting “The Indians are coming, the Indians are coming!” (Brigham had good reason to be this scared of the Indians returning. His ancestors did, after all, slaughter most of them).

Terrifyingly, authorities say bath salt users (a.k.a. zombies!) have a feeling of  invincibility. The only thing worse than a zombie is a cocky zombie. Prepare yourselves. Bath salts be crazy.

P.S. Brigham loved being nakey even before he was a zombie. In November, he danced naked around his kitchen while making a cauldron for the arrival of the witch. He also made a hut in the driveway out of dog kennels, upon which he stacked a grapefruit with a key in it, a football and a hammer (because everyone knows witches love huts that have key grapefruits, footballs and hammers on top). Not surprisingly, the first thing Brigham did in jail was take off his clothes and start screaming.

If you’re wondering, this is not an Onion article. This is 100% real life.

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