This will be casually updated (you know, when I remember or feel like it)
DAY 0: 6 Hour Opening Ceremony
I wasn’t sure if the opening ceremony counted as the official first day of the Olympics since no one was really competing. So, therefore, the opening ceremony day is day 0. It is also longest thing in the entire world. It was pretty cool to watch 300 or 400 years of British history in 3 hours…but Batman wasn’t even that long, and Batman was good! Luckily, I didn’t have to watch all 205 countries walk out (with their awesome or ridiculous outfits). But, I did have to listen to Matt Lauer and Meredith Whatshername try to make jokes.
DAY 1: The Search For Handball
- I woke up at 10 and turned on NBC for the Olympics. Women’s basketball was on. Women’s basketball is great. Watching them made me feel like I was good, until I remembered that I really, really suck and any one of them would probably (definitely) beat me. Still, the score was 11-4 after one quarter. 15 points in 10 minutes. Good job, ladies.
- Next: swimming (qualifying round swimming, but still exciting stuff). Some guys jumped in the water and were like “Look at me, I’m fast!” and swam faster than others. What I really wanted to see was Lochte vs. Phelps, but NBC wasn’t airing that for another six hours. I did my best to not have the result spoiled, but I eventually found out (after 5 minutes of trying). Lochte won. (Sorry to spoil that for all you Hawaii viewers out there that have been patiently waiting to see the results for about 12 hours now.)
- I watched a little rowing (by a little, I mean I watched 6 guys row for 8 straight minutes), table tennis, some badminton (those guys can hit that birdie so hard!) and fencing (I had no idea what was going on, and I’m pretty sure the judge was just making up rules as the match went on). These sports were all great entertainment (especially rowing: that is captivating, captivating stuff), but what I really wanted to see was Olympic handball. I don’t even remember how to play, but I do remember that I loved that game in middle school, so it’d probably be the greatest thing to watch in the Olympics (look out, curling). I never found it on T.V. Unbelievable.
- Then, the “prime time” events came on. Prime time events are just all the important events that happened earlier in the day that NBC decides to wait to play until they can get more money. Today, this meant women’s beach volleyball, lots of swimming and like 3 hours of gymnastics where somehow the only competitor was the U.S.A. The events lose most of their excitement when all the results are known thanks to Twitter and the iPhone cult (I’d love to be in it if you’re wondering, Apple). Still, I never get tired of watching women’s beach volleyball (even if Australia wore their bras on the outside of their clothes like Quailman) or of mermen and mermaids somehow swimming faster than I can jog.
DAY 2: That One Girl Cried A Lot
- I woke up in the morning (not feeling like P-Diddy) and found a great website where you can watch every Olympic event (either live or a replay) including HANDBALL. So, I finally got to watch handball, which apparently is just a bunch of grown men chucking a tiny ball past the goalies (who are merely there for appearance because the score was 31 to 25).
- Then I turned on the T.V. and apparently a guy (that looked like he should be playing polo) riding his horse around a square is an Olympic sport. So, that’s exciting. I quickly changed the channel to men’s 100 meter backstroke and came to the conclusion that they must have Spidey senses. How do they know when to turn?!
- Water polo looks so hard. They have to tread water for approximately 4 hours while trying to throw the ball into the net. I’d probably drown after about 20 seconds. It’s almost like watermelon rugby, except not really at all. ‘Grats to the men’s water polo team! They scored more points than Monte Negro so they probably won. USA! USA! USA!
- I’ve never watched field hockey, but it’s pretty cool. They’re running around all hunched over (their sticks are 2 feet too short) on Smurf Turf. The US women’s team is losing to the Germans, but they have what looks like a Transformer as a goalie (and they won World War II which is far more important than some field hockey game).
- I’m convinced all synchronized divers are robots. Humans cannot be that synchronized. And that splash (or lack thereof) is amazing. I have no idea how they do those dives without smacking their face on the boarding and knocking themselves out.
- Swimming, swimming and more swimming on prime time. Swimming is great. So exciting to watch. But, that Frenchie came outta nowhere and the US got second. Getting a silver in the Olympics is alright, I guess.
- The requirements for gymnasts are probably: 1. You have to be under 5 feet tall and 2. You have to be under 5 years old. Seriously. Where do they find these girls? As soon as they pop out of the womb, they have to go compete in the Olympics. And they aren’t just competing, they’re winning. They are jumping 10 feet into the air (apparently the ideal height to do 3 flips and a dipsy do) and landing on a dime. Pretty impressive. But, because the US is so good, one of the girls didn’t make the final cut for the all-around due to her not being in the top 2 for her country, despite being in the top 5 (Kai estimate) overall. This lead to a waterfall coming out of her face. Seriously, her eyes were like a salty drinking fountain.
Day 3: The Olympic Hangover
- So, today, I didn’t really watch the Olympics. I got kind of sick of it after watching 4 straight hours of prime time events that I already know the results of every night. I think the best way to watch it would be randomly watching throughout the day so you get to watch all the fun (or different) events. Basically, so you don’t have to watch swimming and stupid gymnastics every night. The problem with this method is that you have to randomly watch throughout the day. Oh, well.
- I did watch women’s (indoor) volleyball today. Is Destinee Hooker for real? Really? Destinee Hooker. Come on. But, the US put a whooping on those Brazilians. So, that’s something.
- Swimming again. Yay swimming! The US did well today in the couple of events that I saw. And a fellow Coloradan (s/o to Missy Franklin) won gold. (I say that as if living in the same state gives me some sort of special relationship with her.) But, poor Lochte. I came to the conclusion that I hate Lochte AND Phelps. I thought I was a Lochte fan. Nope. They are both worse.
Day 4: Swimnastics
- Swimming and gymnastics fer dayz. That’s all that exists apparently. They should probably just make the Olympics those two sports and call it the Swimnastics. But, Shrek (or rather, Fiona) won the 200M over Missy. Shoot. Phelps swam and got interviewed by Ryan Seacrest (why does he do everything?). US men’s relay dominated in the 200M (even if one of the relay guys wore the wrong colored suit). Phelps was at midway of his last lap when Hungary was at the wall (they lost by 14 seconds). In the interview, Dr. Phelps said “I’ve become the first Michael Phelps.” Genius, Michael. Genius!
- The gymnastics cry baby stopped crying for long enough to get gold with her team. Sadly, the 3 foot podium was more than half their height.
Day 5: Dracula
- I moved into my new apartment today, so I didn’t have T.V. But, I did watch the US beach volleyball team wear brotanks and win. I also saw the old gymnastics coach, Dracula, get interviewed. That guy doesn’t speak English. Even the interviewer had no idea what he was saying.
Day 6: Golden
- I got to watch the Olympics in style today. In a hotel room! Women’s rowing started off the prime time (hotel viewing) in good fashion. It gets intense! They raced for a mile and I was on the edge of my seat (er, I would’ve been if I wasn’t in a bed) the whole time. The US outlasted those pesky Canadians to get the gold.
- I didn’t see the actual gymnastics event, but I did see another Dracula interview (he’s the gymnastics expert, after all: he carried that one girl when she hurt herself doing that one thing) and all I could hear was “Russia Russia gymnastics blood I vont to suck.” Ping Pong was on next. Those darn Chinese are so frickin’ good at this game! They stand 10 feet back from the table and do flips while they hit it back and forth into the tiny square. They got both the gold and the silver.
- Speaking of golds, the US tied China up with 18 golds. They also have the most medals overall, but “if you ain’t first, you’re last.” Julius Caeser said that, I think.
- I didn’t get to see it, but apparently the US men’s basketball team put the ultimate beatdown on Nigeria. 156 to 73. Poor, poor Nigeria.
- Highlights: www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAnhuVkhySU
Day 7: Beach Volleyball
- All I watched today was beach volleyball. From what I’ve seen, the US dominated volleyball. Especially beach. They just look so good! (Then again, it hurts me when I try to set the ball and I instantly turn redder than a lobster, so anything is impressive to me.) The men, who got gold in Beijing, played terribly and lost to a couple of Italians.
Day 8 & Day 9: Uhh…
- Having no cable makes it kind of difficult to watch the Olympics…but I’m sure everyone did great! Yay, USA!
Day 10: Weird Sports and Dirty Water
- I actually got to watch track today. I’ve wanted to watch it, but apparently it took them a week to clean up the grass and giant mountain and fiery Olympic rings and huge Voldemorts. First, I saw a bunch of women run a mile in around four minutes. I wonder if they ever drive anywhere. A little while after, more women ran the 2000m (approximately 18 miles) steeplechase. It’s basically extreme long distance running plus hurdles. Makes sense, until the one hurdle that they jumped over that looks like it got flooded. The one thing I want while running 2000m is to jump into dirty sewer water.
- More rowing was on today. Same old, same old. Until (extreme) canoeing came on! These guys look like Super Pocahontas. They just sit there on one knee and thrust at the water, resulting in them going (approximately) 60 miles per hour.
- The US women’s soccer team won a thriller today! They traded America’s hat (Canada) goal for goal, until the gorgeous Alex Morgan headed in a cross in extra time of overtime. Does it get more intense?
- I saw something new today: track cycling. I have no idea what it is. At first glance, you would think it would be an exciting, amazing sport. First of all, they race in a building nicknamed “The Pringle,” so I thought it would be good. Then, they came out wearing a helmet straight out of Halo and the announcers said it was a sprint. More good news. Then, I saw the two competitors get wheeled out by what I assumed to be the babysitter. They held them up before they started, and then gave them a little shove to get them going. They race three laps, but the first lap consists of them going (seriously) 5 miles per hour and the front guy constantly looking over his shoulder. They pick it up for a little, but then they go 45 miles per hour in the last lap. What the heck is this sport? Why do they need babysitters? Why is one tire covered? Why do they crawl along for the first one or two laps? Why would the announcer not stop saying that the first baby lap was the “calm before the fury.”
- Men’s diving. Why do they have to wear Speedo thongs? Anyway, they’re pretty good at that whole diving thing. And they have no idea what a splash is. All I can hope is that the Chinese guy named Kai wins.
- UPDATE: Kai blew it and qualified like 12th or something. I also seem to have missed Stephan Feck do a massive back flop. Oh, feck.
Day 11: Holla Atcha Boy
- Women’s water polo is on. It seems kind of intense, but it’s actually kind of boring because they have to swim everywhere…and that kind of takes awhile. Maybe they’re so slow because they’re wearing one-piece thongs. But, at least no one has drowned yet. So, there’s that…
- The US women’s volleyball team destroyed the Dominican Republic (at least in the first set). Destinee Hooker’s name is still Destinee Hooker. Why hasn’t she gotten a name change?
- Women’s beach volleyball is so fun to watch. The US is currently losing to the Brazilians, 12 to 16. It’s raining and it looks miserable, but at least the Brazilians have their bras on the outside for good luck or warmth or something. Now it’s 14 to 20. If the Americans win, it will be an all-American gold medal match. 15 to 20. Comeback kids. They lost 21 to 15. That’s only the first set, though. Let’s go, U.S.A.!
- UPDATE: The US won the second set and is winning 14 to 10 in the third set! Now 14 to 11. Now 14 to 12. Don’t choke. But the US just smashed it into the Brazilian’s face! Wassup. USA vs USA in the gold medal match.
- I haven’t seen sailing yet, but I imagine it’s one of the most exciting sports the Olympics has to offer. Anyway, here’s a hilarious commentary (thank you, Ryan).
- Track and field is definitely one of the best sports of the Olympics. Hurdles, 200m dash (why is every track event named the dash?) and high jump. For the hurdles, I got to watch Lolo qualify (and sadly get 4th place, but at least she has a hilarious Twitter) and a bunch of other girls flawlessly glide over the hurdles. Or trip. Either way, an angry Australian pterodactyl won and two Americans got silver and bronze. The high jump was ridiculous to watch. They somehow get up 7 and a half feet and arch their backs in the most insane way. They have to be jumping on a trampoline. American James Nieto thought it was pretty sweet that he jumped over the bar, yelling “Holla atcha boy! Holla atcha boy!”
- In gymnastics, the women competed in the individual floor and balance beam competitions. The men competed in the individual high bar. In balance beam, Gabby Douglas looked great until she started to fall and held on squirrel style while playing the floor is lava. If the floor was actually lava, Gabby wouldn’t have feet anymore. She’s lucky. In floor, Aly Reisman dominated. She looked perfect to me, but I’m not an Olympic judge. Those guys deduct for not having enough makeup on your face. Regardless, Aly beat out an Italian named “Ferrari” (cars are terrible gymnasts), a girl made of glitter (whose name sounds too much like Mufasa from the Lion King) and some Romanian that face planted. Jonathan Horton competed in the high bar while wearing footie pajamas (he’s only doing gymnastics because his parents made him after he climbed to the top of a department store). He didn’t win though. Some guy named Epke Zonderland did because he did at least 80 flips. Epke Zonderland? Give me that name!
Day 12: Handball
- I GOT TO WATCH MEN’S HANDBALL LIVE TODAY (sorry for shouting). I want to play. The goalies look so helpless when the huge, grown men come flying towards them, throwing a mini-volleyball 80 miles per hour at the goal. They just make a weird star shape with their body and hope they block it. Sorry track and field, but I think handball is my new favorite event. Sweden is playing Denmark, and the score is approximately 98234 to 98233. They score like every four seconds. But, has anyone ever noticed that Sweden and Denmark (along with every Scandinavian country) have the exact same flag, just with different colors? Get creative, flag designers.
- I also got to watch a bunch of guys run 5000m in 13 minutes. Who even likes doing that? Oh yeah, I’d love to run over 3 miles in 13 minutes. They run for almost as long as one of those stupid “This is blah. This is your blah.” Xfinity commercials. These guys be crazy.
- While watching the decathlon (which is awesome, in case you’re wondering), the announcer showed us the remote-controlled mini Mini Coopers they use to retrieve the discusses and javelins and such. It’s basically like the plot of The Italian Job, but with hammers instead of gold (so, not really at all).
- Did anyone know that BMX cycling was an Olympic sport? Not me, but I’m glad it is. They go over a bunch of little jumps as fast as they can, and even throw in a couple wheelies just for fun.
- The US men’s basketball team was in action against Australia. Kobe hit three three’s in 30 seconds. Apparently, the US doesn’t know that you are, in fact, allowed to shoot from inside the 3-point line. us bball woopin. kobe hit 3 3s in 30 seconds. us doesnt know you can shoot inside 3 point line. Poor Australia. It probably didn’t help that they were wearing neon yellow clown shoes.
Day 13: Championships
- The women Olympic athletes really shined today. They won two golds in two team sports: water polo (WOO) and soccer. During water polo, some ref gave Spain a foul for a tickling underwater (a very serious offense), resulting in a penalty shot (and goal) for the US. The US won 8-5, and to celebrate, the coaches decided to jump into the water fully clothed. They didn’t even take off their shoes. Hopefully they at least took their cell phones, iPods, laptops and iPads. Carli Lloyd helped the US get revenge from Japan for the 2010 World Cup championship game (and Pearl Harbor) by scoring two great goals. Hope Solo also made a couple of clutch saves. Gold, gold, gold.
- The US wasted their championship teams by sending two teams to the women’s final, so it was Germany versus Brazil. This guy on Brazil was seriously huge. The announcer said his nickname was “Woolly Mammoth” (and apparently the guy really loves that name because he kept it). They probably should have given his partner a nickname too. At least one of that guy’s parents has to be a rat.
- Totally unrelated, but he’s some divers going silver (number 2 HAHAHAHA).
Day 14: US Is King
- The US is whooping that one nation that has like 2 billion people in the medal count (the other commies are in 3rd). 41 to 37 in golds and 94 to 81 in total medals. U.S.A! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
- If you can’t tell, I watched 0 seconds of Olympics today. But, I did see that the US women’s 4×100 team broke the world record! That’s something.
- Unrelated: Dwight Howard got traded to the Lakers so the NBA sucks even more than I thought was possible.
Day 15: Dynasty
- How long do the Olympics go on for? It’s been like 7 years. They have to be done soon.
- Mexico won their first Olympic medal in soccer, and it was a gold. ‘Grats, Mexico. The game got intense towards the end! Brazil scored in the 90th minute and proceeded to miss a wide open header in extra time for the tie. Oops.
- The US women’s basketball team destroyed those frogs in the gold medal game. France only scored 50 points. The US women have won 7 of the 10 golds in Olympic women’s basketball history (and they didn’t compete in the only Olympics that they didn’t get a medal in). 5 straight gold medals. 41 straight Olympic wins. Dynasty.
- Women’s taekwondo final was on. They just kinda dance around each other and occasionally scream/kick while the referee (who is wearing a dress shirt and tie) watches. They wear this giant marshmallow suit that detects if the get hit. Anyway, Serbia won. I’m so proud.
Day 16: The End
- Rhythmic gymnastics is some sort of weird, cultish sport. The announcer said “You know, they just kinda look like they’re performing out there.” Nice observation. But, they just kinda run around doing whatever they want with pink balls. Dunno how you’d judge that. I guess having 16 judges might help. They wear more glitter on their bodies than Mustafina, and I’m pretty sure J-Lo was on the Italy team.
- The US men won the gold in basketball. No surprise there.
- I saw the gold medal match for men’s indoor volleyball. Everyone is gigantic. Russia has a human being that is 7 feet and 2 inches tall. Uh. At least Brazil has the guy with the best handlebar mustache.
- The US dominated the Olympics. 104 medals (closest was 87, next after that was 65). 46 golds (closest was 38, next after that was 29).
- The closing ceremony finally happened. Thoughts:
- Some terrible lady sang. Everything made of giant newspaper. It must have taken forever to paper mache all this stuff.
- One Direction and STOMP played live music. STOMP is better.
- The US’s flag carrier looked like Ludacris.
- There are random guys wearing blue suits with a lightbulb on their heads.
- Ed Sheeran played live. Good thing he played at night. He would’ve gotten sunburnt during the day.
- Russell Brand drove up on top of a hippie van singing Willy Wonka and The Beatles. Then, Fat Boy Slim started to DJ on a giant inflatable octopus that grew out of the hippie van.
- Why do rappers insist on wearing sunglasses in the dark?
- The Spice Grandmas came back to perform together.
- Beady Eye sang Wonderwall while plugging his nose (terrible).
- A Brazilian Mary Poppins rode around on the umbrella-mobile while singing opera.
- I have come to the conclusion that the toughest event at the Olympics is standing during the opening and closing ceremonies.
- The Olympics being over is bittersweet. Mostly sweet. I got tired of the Olympics in the end. It’s an amazing event and I’m glad they are able to put it on, but when you watch a couple hours of Olympics a day, you get kind of sick of them. Still, the Olympics were awesome. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. I’m looking forward to Rio in 2016, and more importantly, SHARK WEEK!!!