Pac-12 Tournament


The Pac-12 Tournament was held in Las Vegas for the first time this year. In case you didn’t know, Vegas is awesome. In case you didn’t know, Vegas is not as awesome when you aren’t 21.

The drive took at least four days and I’m pretty sure my eyes were fried open when we finally made it to Vegas.

Giant sandcastle.

A post shared by Kai Casey (@kaicasey) on

Utah was pretty for the most part. I think God had a lot of fun making all the sandcastles and dripcastles in Utah.

My experience of Vegas only consists of driving through part of it, walking through some of it, getting lost in the MGM Grand and (mostly) sitting on the hard, dirty floor taking pictures of guys trying to throw a ball into a circle. I’m pretty sure my back is broken. Sitting cross-legged on wood between two creepy guys is not as luxurious as it seems. (Note to self: buy a Crazy Creek. Or maybe one of those donut pillows they give to people who break their butts.)

Shooting the tournament is an awesome experience and almost every game has been close, besides when Oregon absolutely murdered poor Utah. By the way, Utah: spelling out “Utah” over and over doesn’t actually count as cheering. And while we’re on the subject of cheering, Washington State: chanting “Cougs” over and over sounds a lot like “boo,” which is kind of the exact opposite of cheering.

The only bad part of the games is that there are two school bands per game and every timeout has some dumb dance routine by cheerleaders from one of the schools. Either that, or the crack addict dressed in all white runs around the entire stadium handing out t-shirts, tickets to Boyz II Men and, I’m pretty sure, cocaine. No buddy, I don’t want your stupid tickets to Cirque du Soleil, so stop running around and yelling.

“You get crack! And you get crack! EVERYBODY GETS SOME CRAAAACK!”

The MGM is gigantic and everything is ridiculously shiny. Also, it’s so fancy that old dudes with mustaches and tuxedos come out during every timeout and guard the court to make sure nobody steals a player or part of the court (I think that’s their job). I’m pretty sure they are all actually penguins. One guy has a beak, they all waddle and they even wear tuxedos just like penguins!

Emperor penguins guarding an ice court.
(Photo: beauty-animal.blogspot.com)

Composite of penguins in disguise guarding a wood court.

Anyway, the tournament was awesome and the games were entertaining. Oregon ended up winning the fashion contest (and the tournament too) by beating UCLA in the championship. They even let a lion-man who was wearing a thong fly around the stadium with his girlfriend at halftime. They said it was called Cirque du Soleil. I take back what I said about Cirque du Soleil. I’d love your tickets, crack addict. Sorry man.

————————–

Now, it’s time for my inaugural (as in, I just thought of this right now) “Best of” for the tournament.

MVP: Me (1 rebound)

Did you guys even see my catch during the Arizona-UCLA game!? It was one-handed. Lefty. While holding a camera. That’s raw talent. You can’t teach that.

RUNNER-UP: Arsalan Kazemi, Oregon

Kazemi averaged 9 rebounds and 9.3 points per game. Also, he’s kinda crazy and dunks so hard his family can feel it back in Iran.

Fear the beard. (Click for GIF)

BEST LOSS: Colorado vs Arizona, 69-79

Duh. CU deserves to just be given the trophy. #GoBuffs #RollTad

RUNNER UP: Arizona vs UCLA, 64-66

This should also just count as a win. Arizona led most of the game, including leading by 11 with 11 minutes to go in the game. They ended up losing by 2 after Jordan Adams scored like 80 points in 10 minutes and then broke his foot. Also, Sean Miller got a technical foul because he yelled “He touched the ball!” 10 times. This led to 2 points for the Bruins, who ended up winning by 2.

WORST LOSS: California vs Utah, 69-79

Seriously? I don’t think Utah even knows it has a basketball team. Cal was supposed to be the best team in the conference and then they lose to a team whose state is only known for a lake that is salty. What’s all the hype for guys? Ever heard of an ocean? It’s exactly like the Great Salt Lake, except, you know, huge

RUNNER UP: Utah vs Oregon, 45-64

“Hi, my name is Utah. I’m gonna play a couple of good games so people think I might be a Cinderella-story, but then I’ll just get murdered by a quack* of ducks. Did I mention I have a salty lake?”

*a quack may not be the correct scientific term for a group of ducks, but it should be

BEST MUSTACHE: Spencer Dinwiddie, Colorado

Not even a contest. Will Smith would be proud of Dinwiddie’s lip caterpillar (maybe?).

Look at that crazy expression.

RUNNER UP: Bill and Stan, MGM Grand Garden Arena Court Guarders and penguins-in-disguise

Ahh, it just conforms to their perma-frowns so perfectly. Who knew penguins could grow such good mustaches?

Penguins with mustaches. Hilarious!

WORST FACIAL HAIR: Kyle Anderson, UCLA

“Hey, he looks like a pretty nice g– OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT THING ON HIS FACE!?”

Ladies, come and get him. Although, that goatee/beard/pubes thing might be taken.

RUNNER UP: Nobody

Just look at the thing. Ain’t nobody got time to grow facial hair worse than that.

PHOTO GALLERY:

That’s a wrap, folks.

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