The Boulder County Fair was this last week.*
In other terms, it’s a chance for all the cowboys in Colorado to come outta nowhere and run wild. I have never seen so many cowboy boots in my life. People that are from right around Boulder and Denver somehow get country southern accents as soon as they step on a farm or see a cow. What’s up with that?
Also, all their animals just drop deuces and diarrhea everywhere and the owners don’t care. They just keep talking to me while it’s happening and I’m like, “excuse me sir, your cow just had explosive diarrhea and now the whole sidewalk is brown.” What if people did that? Just chatting with a buddy and all of a sudden he squats on the street. Imagine that. I feel like the weird one when these people are washing goats and clipping their toenails. I’m not though, right? RIGHT? But, they keep talking about how this is the prettiest cow they’ve ever had and it showers more than they do.
Anyway, these people shower and groom and braid and stylize their animals’ hair to enter them in a competition where a fellow cowboy is like, “boy howdy, I reckon this is the most darn tootin’ good lookin’ goat I ever did see.” Then, that judge gives the goat’s owner a ribbon that says their goat somehow looks better than someone else’s. How do you even into that as a hobby? Go play football or play with Legos like a normal kid. If I was the judge, everyone would’ve gotten a last place ribbon. Not even those stupid participation ribbons where the kid that completely sucks can still feel good. Except for the goats that scream like humans. Those goats are the best and definitely deserve to walk around the streets with their first place ribbons.
At the fair, there’s an event even worse than showing animals: horse ballet. I have no idea what it is, but it just sounds terrible, doesn’t it? Thank god they don’t make them wear tutus and point shoes. All I know is that they better make a Black Swan movie but with horses. That would give Brokeback Mountain a run for its money. Gay ballerina horses. Take that, Jake Gyllenhaal.
I wish I could’ve seen the demolition derby. Rednecks slamming cars into each other. Doesn’t get much better than that. How did that even start? Did two rednecks get tired of horse ballet and say, “Hey Jimbob, let’s run our tractors together eheheh.” (Pretty sure that’s a redneck name. Speaking of redneck names, I was watching Cops, and one guy that got arrested was named Joshawa. His parents just sat there and spelled it out. Well done.) Sign me up.
I do want to try the thing where some guy shoves kids into a giant bubble and throws them into the water. Although, I can’t really tell if the kids are having fun because their muffled screaming sounds oddly like their being murdered. Bubble Boy must have so much fun every time he goes swimming. The dude doesn’t even have to wear a swim suit! If I was him, all I’d do is swim. And cliff dive.
I’m probably being harsh on the cowboys because they look like they actually enjoy it. But, in the end, their the ones having horses jump through hoops and washing cows for cow beauty pageants.
*I wrote this like three years ago, or maybe two weeks ago. My apologies.
Here are more photos I took at the fair: